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Head slanting and an eye squinting, Rey just gaps at Firo, flummoxed by his resilience regarding the subject matter. "That doesn't make any sense, but -- sure, whatever you say."

Even where she's from, humans can't do what she does. And the ones who could survive such things were too far removed from their humanity that they became something else entirely.

With a sharp exhale, she goes to grab the neck of the bottle for another shot until her vision starts spinning, and she brings her hand over her face instead. After a moment, her shoulders just slump.

"Fine. And stop worrying about how I'm not doing anything for myself. Seems I've been nothing but self-serving these days."

Knowing Rey, of course, she does not reflect on this like it's necessarily a great milestone.

Firo shrugs. "It makes perfect sense."

He watches her go for the drink. "Why's that?"

He's not sure if she's talking about what went on when she went back home or stuff on the ship. Either way, he can't come up with anything that makes sense, though he's obviously not privy to every detail of her life.

Still having a hard time following Firo's line of logic, Rey only dignifies his answer with a scoff. Maybe in his own head it makes sense, but she has since resigned herself to the fact that this is likely one of those tired arguments that no one is going to win.

"I don't know why. I just know that everything feels a lot different now." She falls silent, mulling over the right words before she shakes her head and continues. "The old me wouldn't have had any trouble sabotaging our friendship a while ago, for one thing. And I realized that not being able to do so is one of the most selfish things I've ever done. Because the only reasons I stopped myself, other than seeing what it was doing to you, was also because I was afraid of what it would do to me, and I don't-- I don't think about things like that. Or, shouldn't, anyway. Didn't have the luxury of holding onto long-term relationships with people. Everything from all those old lives I've lived were just fleeting moments, and before I knew it they were gone. Now that I know about all the things that I'll never be able to get back, it hurts."

The worst part is that she can handle getting shot and blown up, but losing something that she can't just get replaced is a different sort of pain.

Firo bites back any number of retorts. Like hey, buddy, how about how he felt about that whole sabotage thing? But that would be too harsh, he thinks, and it would also require him to admit to those softer, more vulnerable emotions. No thanks.

Instead, he reaches across the table for her hand and, if she doesn't pull away, will set his fingers on the back of her wrist. He tries to shake off the feelings of frustration and instead focus on how he feels about Rey when she's not being a stubborn little mule.

Which is love. Love and fondness and happiness and no room for anything else.

Initially, Rey is braced for impact. She doesn't know what Firo will say, exactly, but given their relationship thus far she can hazard several guesses of it being along the lines of annoyance and exasperation.

But she's hearing none of that or anything at all, and actually gives a start when she feels Firo reaching out in place of chiding her with more words. Perhaps because words are useless as everything else at this point, except--

It isn't. Not now, with this strange and alien and overwhelming emotion that she senses passed over from him to her. And if she wasn't already confused about these things before, she felt herself at a loss ten times over. She doesn't want to withdraw from it, or from his touch, but she doesn't know what else to do, how to return it, or if she even should.

Now there's another pain that she's trying desperately to reign in, but can't in light of that horrible loss and confusion. A feeling of being small, afraid, inadequate.

Unworthy.

"I-I can't..." Rey hears herself stammer, unable to finish. Her fingers fold inward into a fist, the rest of her paralyzed to know what to say or do or if she is even capable of doing anything anymore.

"It's okay." He isn't quite sure what she means by 'can't,' because that could probably be a lot of things right now. He doesn't need the empathy link to know that she's struggling.

"I'll stop if you want." His expression is sober when he says that and he means it utterly. Physically, she's probably one of the people he's been most comfortable with in his life, but that's a small list to begin with. He'd still feel uncomfortable forcing anything on her.

He tilts his head and smiles just a little. "...But then I'd just say this all with words anyway, and that might be kinda annoyin' with how stupid I am with that stuff."

Not even Rey herself is entirely sure what she'd meant, or what she was trying to say. It isn't that she can't feel the same way as Firo, because she does. And perhaps that is the part that rattles her.

Shaking her head, she goes to move her other hand over his but freezes. Her vision's been cloudy and chest tight; she goes instead to dry her face with the back of her hand, feeling an only vaguely familiar stream of tears falling from her eyes. She hadn't even realized that they'd started since Firo went to touch her.

Despite that, she's forced a strained smile and a single pained laugh. Somehow, Rey finds the words to tell him, "No, don't. That's how selfish I've become now -- I don't want you to stop."

Wanting to love and be loved still seems like two separate things to Rey, one feeling more avaricious than the other. Perhaps the truth is that she just didn't think about how intense love would actually be; that she expected it'd be different for other people. But it turns out that it's not that much different, after all.

He feels a little pang of guilt as she dries her face, hoping that that doesn't mean she's hurting too much. He'll apologize later, but there are some things that apologies don't patch so well.

"Are you serious?" He immediately regrets asking, knowing that it's pretty obvious that she is. This is Rey, for Pete's sake. "That's not bein' selfish. You're not holdin' me hostage here."

"Honestly, if it's not botherin' you, I don't really wanna stop either." He nods, as if that seals the deal.

In a way Rey is glad that he isn't apologizing, and even if Firo sounds somewhat harsh at first, it's what she's needed to hear. Whether she knows it or not.

"Thank you." The smile cracks awkwardly as she rubbing the tears from her scarred cheek with the heel of her palm. She can't help but give a slight sheepish look. "Don't worry, I'm fine. Really. I don't know what this is... Or, well, I know what it is, but I don't--"

--know why it's happening? Because people are supposed to cry when they're sad, but the two times she has around Firo, she was feeling the opposite. So why cry?

Feelings are fucking stupid and Rey doesn't know what to do with them.

He nods and tries to smile like he's joking. "I kinda feel like I should apologize for makin' you do... this."

He flicks his free hand at her face in reference to the tears. Instead of setting it back on the countertop, he rests it with their other hands.

"I mean, not like you've gotta worry about it or anything--it's just us here. Anybody comes in, I'll throw 'em out."

That kind of callousness is something that he'd usually roll his eyes at coming from one of his friends, but this is important. As seldom as he comes close to crying, he knows well enough that it can feel pretty damn humiliating if people see.

Face dried, Rey lowers her hand, her two remaining fingers curling over his in a shameless hand-pile.

Anything else she might've been feeling not that long ago is an afterimage as she then leans aside to rest her forehead against his shoulder. If it had been anyone else, such a thing might have been enough to give them the wrong idea. But with Firo, she doesn't even consider that possibility.

"Not worried about that, either," she admits. Not because this floor is so derelict of people but Rey also isn't the type of person to care what others think, but the gesture is appreciated nevertheless. "And you haven't done anything to be sorry for. You've already given me so much."

He smiles softly at her movement and responds by leaning his head against the top of hers, keeping it nestled there. He can't help but be surprised at someone now being deathly afraid of being seen crying, but he supposes that makes this easier.

"Oh." He nods, which is a bit of an awkward gesture with his head resting on hers, so he cuts it out quickly. "Good to know, I guess."

Firospeak for 'thanks.' He almost wants to point out that doing good things for someone doesn't cancel out the bad, just while they're on the topic. That faint uncertainty may creep through their bond, though he still tries to maintain the love faucet. He decides to keep the thought to himself as best he can--maybe it's an important thing for her to know, but he's enjoying this moment as it is.

Even if it doesn't cancel out all the bad, Rey is at least willing to compromise with what she has, and it's been more than enough. While she can't ever really dream for a life without any hardship, she's learned that sometimes it's better to just take the bad with the good.

And right now, it's pretty good, and there's no doubt that even without Firo pouring his love through their link she would still feel the same way.

"Then you should also know that, in spite of everything, I'm--" what was it he said back then? (it feels like it's been much longer than it actually has been.) "--happy. You make me feel happy."

It's more emotions stuff that would feel weird bringing up if she was talking to anyone but Firo. But as the words come out, her hand squeezes around his and Rey feels herself relax against him, like a weight's just been lifted.

Those are words he's been yearning to hear for a long time now, but it's hard to grasp them even so. He freezes, shifting slightly as if looking at her would reveal that this is all a joke or something.

"What? Are you kiddin' me?"

He sincerely hopes not. Even the thought of her being able to get to that point is enough to fill him with joy. He feels like he could jump into the air--if he weren't being tasked with the important duty of holding her now.

Raising her head a little to look back at Firo when he asks that question, Rey just smiles at first. Most people would perhaps find it unnecessary or awkward (or both) to feel the need to openly speak about such things, even if it's with a friend that she holds dear. Hell... he's her only friend in this damned place that she's ever felt this strongly for.

But she knows Firo enough to also know that sometimes she has to spell things out for him. (Which is actually most of the time, really.) She can be considerate like that.

"Told you no more secrets, didn't I? And I may be confused about a lot of things right now, but that's not one of them." Although she's still smiling, she does say this with the utmost sincerity.

The glow of happiness gets stronger at her words. "You did."

"And it's not that I doubted your or anything, I just--" he cuts himself off with a little laugh. "...I guess I'm happy too and kinda surprised. I... I was afraid it'd take a lot longer."

This is a start, right?

"Wouldn't expect everything to magically turn into rainbows, so I'd hold off the celebration if I were you." It's a good thing either way that she says this with a lighthearted tone in her voice, rather than carrying the dreary edge of the usual guilt and pain that went along with her nature.

There's a time and place for that, though. Right now, she's just enjoying her friend's company. If that isn't what one would call happiness, then it's at least enough for her.

"But I like this," she adds. "I don't know why, but I do."

"I know." He shakes his head in mock disappointment, though he really is glad that she's not immediately going all doom and gloom. Still, he thinks any victory is something you can be glad for, especially when it's this critical. "But the celebration's still on, whether you like it or not."

He taps his fingers on her hair. "Do you need to know why?"

A single light laugh escapes her. Though Rey feels she already knows the answer to Firo's question, she decides to go the other route and humor him instead, pretending to look as coy as her scar-faced muscles can possibly manage.

"Why's that?"

He sighs in mock annoyance and goes to flick her forehead. "Because."

And for a moment he pauses as if he'll leave it at that. "It doesn't really matter, does it? No matter how much you think about it, it's not gonna make you more happy, right?"

Because.

Well, Firo. When you make such a compelling argument like that...

Rey smiles, though, her nose scrunching as he flicks at her. She's not pressing him for an elaboration, and instead her expression draws more sober. "No, it doesn't. But that's okay, I don't really need to think about it."

Firo's genius shines through when he debates.

Now that he has her agreement, he's suddenly a little more open minded. "You sure? I mean, I could try explainin' it, but I think you're happier when you don't think so much."

Thinking is bad. This much he knows.

Firo's becoming open minded and Rey just confessed the state of her happiness. Truly the world has gone mad.

"No offense, but I doubt you could explain it any better now than you have already." She pauses, then adds, "It's fine, though. Not thinking so much about it is somehow easier."

That and just putting the old tired argument to rest would definitely make her happier, she believes.

Firo laughs and feigns pride in his voice. "See? Didn't I tell you?"

He has something to admit to of his own, he supposes. "I guess I gotta admit this weird brain stuff is good for somethin'."

"All right, you win on that front."

Conceding defeat on at least one thing doesn't feel so bad. Not that Rey really has the pride herself to admit otherwise; she's just stubborn, too old for that shit, and set in her ways.

"You mean to say that, of all the things you could've been doing with them, that's what you decide to do?" She's not complaining. Just teasing.

[Action]

foundafamily - 2015-08-15 04:15 (UTC) - Expand

[Action] laughing at those last two icons, they're sharing the same expressions oh god

circumitus - 2015-08-15 07:40 (UTC) - Expand