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[Rey is well aware that Rosie has died already. She hadn't exactly made a secret about that over the network, making it all the less surprising when Rey finds herself catching that familiar shape standing on the ledge of a high point while she had been staring at the fake stars painted on the top of the cave.

[Seriously? Even if she did catch Rosie on her way down, the momentum and force might as well splatter them both. Rey might live, but the impact could very much kill the jumper.

[On the plus side, Rey is fast. She deviates from her original route and storms her way up the stairs, feet thundering over the steps.

[Soon, she ascends to the rooftop of the building, fortunate to find that Rosie has been contemplating her leap long enough for Rey to have made it this far.]

The fuck do you think you're doing?

[Despite the speed and distance she had sprinted upward and a few beads of sweat dripping down her face, she is barely out of breath.]

Edited 2017-07-03 22:52 (UTC)

[ There was a time Rose would have heard Rey approaching. Whether hearing her steps or the subtle shortness of breath. But now, after a year of starvation, she's lost so many of her sharpened senses. She considers it ironic, sometimes, that she got what she always wanted (to be human) but at such a hefty cost.

On that thought, ] What do you imagine when you think of 'monsters'?

[ Humor her for a moment, Rey.

The blond doesn't show any sign of actually jumping, but also doesn't show any sign of stepping off the ledge. It's a precarious position for them both to be in. She supposes if Rey really wanted to, she'd be fast enough to bridge such a short distance and 'save' her, but... First, the question. ]

[The fact that Rose isn't readily jumping to her death says something. That maybe she's at least willing to talk. Rey's reflexes are quick enough that she should be able to react in time, in case that situation decides to change anytime soon.]

Think the concept is too broad to be summed up in one sentence. Monsters can be the things that haunt the tunnels here, or they can be people. Come from a place where they can also be machines.

[Rey considers herself to be among them. Something unnatural and not fit to live. But that isn't her choice to make anymore.]

Edited 2017-07-05 20:48 (UTC)

[ There is a reason she hasn't jumped yet. What exactly that is, honestly, she couldn't say. Rose had come up here so sure, so certain that she wanted to die (again) and yet... ]

What makes a monster to you?

[ Maybe some small part of her sees reason. Sees that there's a way out. She's needed, Sorrow had said. Keep your chin up, Delight had asked of her. She's trying, but... She knows she's a drop in the bucket. There's a big enough pool here that she really can't make that much of a difference, can she? ]

[At some point, Rey would say herself. She had been a monster in the eyes of many in her old lives. She's done many things that no one would expect forgiveness for.

[Yet, for some reason, she has. Or it was something close to forgiveness. It's hard to say. So if something like her can find such a thing, how bad can Rosie be?]

Guess that depends on who you ask. Am of the personal belief that a monster is someone who has done a lot of terrible shit but feels no regret.

[By Rey's own definition, that should opt her out of the deal. And yet she struggles so often to see herself differently.]

Well, I definitely feel that. [ Regret. Guilt. It eats her alive from the inside; kind of ironic, honestly, considering the people she murdered in Haven just to feed herself. ] If I didn't, I don't think I'd be up here wondering how fast it'd take for my brains to be splattered on the pavement down there.

[ They're similar, in that way. Other people have forgiven her or, for the better, forgotten. Like Jo. So why can't she forgive herself? Why is she still a monster that no one but her believes her to be? The blond plops down to sit on the edge of the building now with feet dangling over the side. Any notion of jumping seems to have passed. ]

I made a lot of mistakes, in the world before this one. [ A beat. ] I eat people, see. Soylent green. That's supposed to be my kind's my diet. We trip people on mountain passes and eat them because of course we do.

[ A bitter, sardonic laugh. ]

I was never good at doing what I was supposed to though since I was little, which is another sob story for another day, but in Haven there was this crazy-ass doctor. Phillip Kite. He experimented on me and drove me to a feral state where I ate someone. And also made it so I couldn't stop eating people. It's... an addiction, I guess. He changed my physiology, maybe. I can't eat anything else anymore, all tastes like garbage.

Not that I've... eaten since I came to Hadriel, but. I'm afraid I will the longer this goes on, the hungrier I get. I keep thinking I should just end it all before the inevitable happens.

[How many people wouldn't just recoil in revulsion at the thought of a man-eating humanoid, feasting off flesh in order to survive? Rey would. She listens, expressionless. Rather than leaving while she has the chance -- because it's far too late for that now -- she approaches the Rosie's spot on the rooftop. Rey steps up, standing beside where Rosie is now sitting. Just listening, standing there on the edge, as the other is. That alone has to be something.

[After a long silence, she speaks, her gaze fixed on the long space between them and the street below:] Killed myself once on a place like this. It was higher, though. Had the sense to take my brother's gun, and-- [She illustrates her actions by forming a gun gesture with her hand, bringing it to the side of her skull, before pulling back her thumb.] Bang. Would have probably died from the fall alone, but... just for safe measure.

[She's quiet again; her stiff rigid posture unwavering.]

Must have been torn up to hell. Took a couple years for my father to put me back together. Make sure everything in the brainpan was intact, for how much that's worth. [Shrug.] Wasn't the first time, dying. Was always put back together. But that time, I was pretty fucking pissed. Being alive was the last thing I wanted.

[Rey scoffs despite the subject matter.] Food tasted like shit before that, too. But there were worst things to be worried about. The "kill code" in my head would always make me a danger to other people. That's why the trigger was pulled. That's why I didn't want to come back.

[It isn't something that she revels or takes great pride in, like she knew what was better for everyone. Her brother had issues trusting her. Trusting other people, after that day. Her actions had a ripple effect in ways that she didn't anticipate, and makes her want to throw up.]

So, yes. Can understand why you would want to throw yourself off this ledge, probably better than most do. Don't think you should, though.

[ Rose isn't sure what she was expecting in confiding in Rey, but has to admit it wasn't quite that. She'd known that the other woman was something beyond human. What, exactly, had alluded her. Granted, she'd never made it her business to know.

Still, she mentions being angry at being reassembled. Rose remembers the rage burning her alive from the inside that she'd felt at first upon waking up back in Haven West. The hot tears she'd cried, how she could barely look anyone in the eyes. It burned through her and left cold ashes in its wake. She felt hollow and miserable and betrayed. She'd gone to Haven East to die, but she was still alive and it was the last thing she wanted. How could they think she was anything worth saving?

Then they lit a spark of hope in her heart in the form a bomb, exploding a building within Haven's barrier. It gave her for the first time since she could remember the thought 'Maybe can fight back against Yao after all.'

But now the demon isn't Yao. It's herself. How do you fight back against the monsters inside your head? She needs another explosion, possibly. A figurative one since she doubts Tranquility would be appreciative of her ruining his city even more than it already is. But she doesn't know where or how to start. Hm. ]

Why not?

[ she asks, a quiet but sincere inquiry. Why would Rey - a woman who stabbed her a couple months ago - want her alive? ]

Because, it isn't just about you. You might think that offing yourself is better for everyone, that you're doing the world a favor. But let's not kid ourselves, here -- it's just the easier way to go.

[Easier to just end it than to deal with the hard road of trying to fix things. The pain of trying to get better, to be better. Living is hard. Why bother?

[She knows why now.]

After shit like that, people look at you different. Like you're weak, like you are something that needs to be protected.

And it's fucking annoying.

[Well. That's one way of putting it.]

Edited 2017-07-16 22:37 (UTC)

[ In a way, she appreciates Rey's honesty. Because she's right. It's the easy way out.

Rose has always like the easy way. It's why she ran back home, it's why she eventually tried to permanently end it in Haven, and now why she tried to die here too. Still wants to.

The woman barks a laugh at that last bit though. ]

Ah, yeah, I've. I've been there. In Haven, my packmates... After I tried to kill myself there, they alternated being so pissed they didn't even know where to begin telling me off and then trying to understand. Treating me like I was going to crack again any second. [ She pauses, looking wistfully out at the dilapidated underground city she's been stuck in for almost a year. ]

Hiruma, actually... I think he did it best. He told me 'You're not alone, Rosie' after giving me an earful. But then he didn't let me sit down and wallow. He didn't treat me like I was porcelain. He got my ass up - even when it was the last thing I wanted - and running. He knew I was still capable, I just needed to see for myself I was.

[ There's a long silence that settles after that. Tears burn her waterline before she breathes out. ]

I miss him. I miss all of them. They were packmates and I don't. I don't know what to do without them sometimes, honestly. It's like part of me's missing. There's no way to replace them, I can't, but I think I need... I need to find a way to ease the pain the holes they left behind caused. Something. Anything. But I don't know what.

[When it comes to the easy way, Rey is not one to preach. She has either done or attempted such a route more than once -- definitely more than she is glad to admit. There is no pride in her endeavors and successes, or even her attempt to dissuade Hope from ever bringing her back that one time. Because dying is easy. It's better than to see what her absence does to hurt others.

[She just can't do that to them again.

[Her arms fold over her chest, not wavering or moving from her place on the rooftop.]

Have been around long enough, seen enough people come and go and die to just learn not to expect permanence. That nothing lasts forever, no matter how good it feels and how much you want it. Eventually, things will end.

Doesn't make the pain go away, doesn't make things less shit -- but it does help a little... To know that you're not so much as replacing them, but inviting something new into your life. Maybe.

[She shrugs.]

You think I'd have learned that, [ she sighs, placing a hand gingerly to her heart. As if it actually aches and she needs to soothe it. Honestly, it kind of does. A dull pain deep in her chest that doesn't ever quite go away these days. ]

Need to invite more new things into my life, I think. Haven't really... been too social lately, I guess. [ There were the network posts, yeah, but she hasn't been out in a while. Involved. She hasn't wanted to be, hasn't wanted to try and seek out a way to ease that loneliness because it usually had the opposite effect of making her even more acutely aware of how everyone she loved was gone. ]

Some lessons are harder learned than others.

[And doesn't Rey know that. It didn't take until seeing the result her actions have caused for her to realize that she had made a mistake. She has made many mistakes.]

Coming from personal experience, you're more likely to net those things by not throwing yourself from a rooftop. [Despite that being the reason why Rey is here.] It's more than just being "social", though. You have to actually want people around. To stay. Otherwise, there's no point.

Don't know if I do, these days.

[ It doesn't seem like there's much point anymore in letting people in. She has limited insight; despite all the good it obviously did her, right now she can only see the bad. And she can only see a future where it will continue to be bad.

She can only barely remember a time before Haven. A time when she wasn't happy, but she could pretend to be. She wonders if she can get that back somehow. She wonders if it'd be worth it to revert. ]

[At that remark, Rey shifts, only moving to bap Rosie harshly on the back of the head with a disapproving expression.]

Cut that shit out.

Owuh,

[ The woman whines, childishly. A bit of exaggeration for a dash of humor in an otherwise heavy conversation. She wouldn't be Rose if she didn't try to lighten things just a little at some point. ]

Jeez, fine, I'll try to not... be such a hermit anymore, I guess.

[Such a juvenile response almost gets a tiny hint of a smirk out of her.]

That's better. Now can you get the fuck away from this ledge?

[She gets where Rosie is coming from. Really. But sometimes you need a good smack to sort things out.]

[ That was the intended effect, so she's glad to know that it worked. Well. Almost worked, anyway. ]

Yeah, yeah, I'm movin', [ the blond huffs, swinging her legs back over to the rooftop. She stands steadily, sighing as she takes a few casual steps away from the building's edge. There's still that urge, that ache to leap but it's... dulled now, at least.

Hopefully she can get it to stay that way. Hopefully she'll have Rey to literally smack some sense into her again if the desire crops up. ]

[Rey is very familiar with that urge, and all the same doesn't wish it on anyone. Even someone as infuriating as Rosie. Sure, at one point Rey would have liked nothing more than to dig a knife through the other woman's throat; circumstances were just a little different then. She was still fired up about Love's revival, and some open wounds that were still fresh. Not that she's entirely over it, but...

[Same difference, really.

[She scoffs at Rosie's reply, as Rey moves away from the ledge herself.]

There. That wasn't so hard, now was it?

Harder than you know, [ she admits, in a rare moment of honesty. Her gaze goes unfocused for a moment as the problem of how hungry she is rears its ugly head, but. She snaps back in a second. ]

But now that I stepped away, hopefully... It'll be easier to stay away again. I don't know, really, but.

We'll see, I guess.

Yes. We'll see.

[Rey doesn't like that being their only option. She can't keep an eye on Rosie all the time, or know whether or not she's going to try and pull a jumper again. But this is already improvement.

[Something Rosie mentioned moments ago does nag at Rey, now that she's had some time to think about it.]

Is there anything that can be done about your hunger? Something that doesn't involve you snuffing yourself or other people?

[ Nor does Rose expect her to. It's... Look, it's going to be a bit touch and go for a while, but hopefully she can get to a place where she's marginally a bit more 'okay.' More and more she's not sure she ever will be truly alright, honestly.

More and more she's thinking she never was to begin with though. ]

I don't know, [ she admits. ] Back in Haven, I had a... supplier. Someone who was able to regenerate from getting literal chunks taken out of him. [ And he's here, is the worst part. But they were co-dependent and unhealthy. She tried to reach out him only to get no response too so that kind of said all it needed to. ] But that's not an option anymore, so.

[That doesn't sound ideal, though the first thing to come to mind now is Sato. Though she doubts he'd be so willing to extend aid without getting something in return.

[Of course, there's always the option of just taking from him. Not like he's ever needed permission from anyone else.]

Maybe there's a way to reverse what's been done to you? Ever tried asking one of the gods, or someone here?

[Since Rose seems so friendly with their captors, she shouldn't have any trouble asking for favors. Right?]

[ Even if Rey were to find a solution, Rose isn't sure she wants one. ... She's fine, being a martyr. ]

I don't know. Whatever Kite did, it fucked me up something fierce. I always thought... it'd be too much to ask, I guess.

[ She is friendly with them, but that means, ]

They got enough shit going on.

[ that she doesn't like asking things of them, like she doesn't any of her friends. It doesn't feel right, not when they're facing the threat of the Null on top of trying to rebuild. ]

[She just gives Rosie a flat look.]

Don't you think you'd be more useful to them if you're not dying or thinking of throwing yourself off their architecture?

[While Rey can see where Rosie is coming from, it's always easier to call someone out on their shit when they're not you.]

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tw: suicide (which is like, this whole thread, but still)

y u p

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